This blog is part 4 of this series. If you have not read yet parts 1, 2, and 3 click here first.
The ‘world’ shames us for everything. The size and shape we are, the job we have (or more - the job we don’t have), the money we earn (or more – the money we don’t earn), what we eat, how we dress, what are voices sound like, what house we live in, what car we drive, what type of dog we walk (or how we walk it, even, how quickly we pick up their poo! - yes, I have seen that too!), what hobbies we have (or don’t have) and so on.
Let me share my ‘favourite’ shaming comments I often receive myself…
A person: “Have you got a partner, Lenka?”
Me: “No, I enjoy my life solo.”
A person: “Aww, what a shame!”
Or
A person: “Where do you live, Lenka?”
Me: “I live in Coventry.”
A person: “Ohhhhh!!!”
Or
A person: “So, you have dogs?” (excitedly)
Me: “Yes, I have two chihuahuas.”
A person: “That yuppy thing??” (repulsed)
The box of same-ness
Thankfully these comments make me rather smile, I certainly don’t feel shame for living my life alone, where I live or what dogs I choose! Why would I, why would you or why would anybody else? Although these examples might be very innocent and most likely meant well, one cannot escape the shaming undercurrent. And it is this shaming undercurrent that oppresses our beautiful different personalities and squashes them into the box of same-ness.
Yes, generally speaking, we are widely oppressed!
Are your choices truly yours?
I will use again a simple and innocent example to reflect on - perhaps the fashion you choose. Do you dress based on what feels comfortable and representative of your real self, or do you wear what you perceive as the most ‘acceptable’?
With a smile, my thinking goes this way… Skinny tight jeans (who needs compressions socks anymore!), big belts tight to the extent that one can’t breathe (maybe the waist will look just a bit thinner!), shiny shoes that look amazing (let’s pretend the blisters have never happened!), crop tops to show the belly (of course, I am (not) cold!), and I could go on.
If you find yourself here, let me say gently, that some oppression has already crept in.
Sadly, I know oppression the best, trust me. As a child, I lived in an oppressive regime, so I am very familiar with how it looks and feels. At those times, people in my country were not allowed to say or do what they wanted otherwise they would be punished by a jail sentence (or receive any other punishments from the menu for the ‘misbehaviours’)
Intriguingly, it seems, that the only difference our modern Western world brings to the party is that we don’t go to jail for not following the ‘prescribed ways’, instead, we get shamed. And regrettably, shaming can be the worst lifetime sentence out of all.
Social media – no escape from shaming
As we now added social media to the mix (love it or hate it), you can even be shamed for what you had for dinner, (because someone else – of course - has posted a picture of a much better plate of food), your holiday (or the lack of it), for being single, or married to many times, for not having children, or having too many, simply – we are shamed for everything! Without noticing we can easily slip into the ‘same-ness box’ or be shamed for being outside of it.
Daily, in my practice, I experience people who have been so oppressed and beaten down by these ‘prescribed success standards’ that they have entirely lost their individuality, health, happiness, self-belief, and self-worth; often they became fully disconnected from their organic unique souls.
And, let me say, losing your soul to the ‘collective same-ness’ is the real misfortune.
Can you imagine if we all do the same job, live in the same place, build the same houses, have the same dogs, wear the same clothes, drive the same cars, have the same hobby, watch the same programme, do the same activities, have the same interests…?
You can guess correctly that without exaggerations the human world would fall apart. And I cannot but wonder, why we are trying to achieve just that! (perhaps not you, what I mean here by ‘we’ is the wider general undercurrent).
Say no to shaming! Say yes to be YOU.
Perhaps this post has encouraged some reflections. If you like, share them with me in the comments.
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